i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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