Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
