Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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