You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
