If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
