Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
