I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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