If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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