The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
