if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
