I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
