I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
