non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
