I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
