five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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