I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
