Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
