first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
