last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
