Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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