4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
