Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
