dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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