I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Michael Bay diarrhea
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
