There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
