i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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