she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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