He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
