I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
