i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It was confusing and full of hummus
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
