Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
