I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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