My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
