First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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