9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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