He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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