She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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