i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
