you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
