nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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