The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
