Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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