I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
