I'm gonna have a badass scar
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
