Don't make out with my wife yet
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
