Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
