You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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