Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im holly from the hills drunk
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
