I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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