your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
