I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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