and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
