after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
